Understanding the Incomprehensible

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Within a few weeks of starting middle school, a sixth-grader in my son’s class died by suicide. The principal, who was also new to that middle school, acted swiftly and appropriately to the crisis. His communications to the school community contained information about how to talk to one’s child about the event and how grief can manifest. His message was clear: It’s confusing to process this tragic event and important to allow time to talk it through. In addition, resources were provided to students who needed them while at school, and to parents during an evening information session. Thankfully, ours is a supportive community.

Naturally, the school community was shocked. Death by suicide in the US is statistically more common in teens (ages 15-24), ranking as the second most common cause of death. The perception seems to be that suicide is low for adolescents (ages 10-14), but sadly, according to the CDC, it ranks as the third most common cause of death.[1] These statistics are horrific.

The student from our community was also so young; begging the question, “How could a person who has lived barely twelve years have already given up?” Parents wanted to know more about the circumstances of this student’s life and mental health history, though this was thankfully kept mostly private. Maybe knowing some specifics could explain something we all had difficulty understanding and could prevent it from happening again. Secretly, we searched for a factor leading up to this tragedy that is not shared by our child or existing in our family life to assure us this tragic event was an anomaly. One can become selfish when it comes to our own. We look for the “Oh, I get it” moment that allows us to say, “See? There’s the reason.” But there really is no acceptable explanation. It’s simply heartbreaking.

What may cause a person to attempt suicide, particularly those within the 10 – 14 age group, is the impulsiveness that comes with an emerging or untreated brain disorder. Stress is a significant factor in triggering brain disorders that disrupt brain connectivity. Those living with brain disorders often have a lower stress threshold. But of course, we will never know the specifics of this student, nor should we unless the family wanted it so. I’m grateful that (from what I could tell) the family’s privacy was respected, without stifling important discussion.

Because of this event’s emotional repercussions and the concern over the copycat phenomenon common with teen suicide, education about depression and suicidal ideation that is commonly woven into high school curriculum was made age-appropriate and brought into this middle school. Students were taught how to recognize when a friend may need support or intervention and where to get it. Students were taught that if someone expresses he wants to “give up” or says something like, “what’s the point,” a responsible friend should seek advice from a trusting adult. Getting support for your friend, students were told, is not betrayal. These are important messages.

My son shared a class with the student who died, though they were not friends. Still, my son was affected by the event. In the days and weeks that followed, I remained open to difficult discussions about death and suicide and repeated the message to my children about the importance of identifying when a friend may require intervention and how to convey to a person who seems to be in distress that they matter and that resources exist.

But at some point, my son had heard about copycat suicides and worried that one of his friends might attempt suicide. He asked, “What if I cannot stop my friend from doing the same thing? What if he doesn’t listen to me?”

Oh my. In the interest of creating a safe and supportive community, had we burdened these young kids – barely out of elementary school – into thinking it was their responsibility to protect others? Were we setting ourselves and our children up to feel responsible for a person’s death by suicide?

The anguish in my son’s voice over feelings of helplessness and the recognition of his ultimate inability to protect his friends suggested I had placed undue burden. His sorrow was crushing. And familiar. All parents know this wrenching feeling of not being able to control all the levers and conditions of our child’s life. He was feeling that, though for his friends and loved ones.


It is not uncommon for suicidal plans to be disrupted by another’s simple act of acknowledgment and caring.


There is no question in my mind that thoughtfully engaging with a person who seems to be in emotional distress and encouraging him to seek help is more beneficial than ignoring odd behaviors and hoping for the best. Acknowledging a person who may be slipping into darkness can make all the difference for them in getting help or not; a person may not even know how unwell he has become or that there are resources to help him. It is not uncommon for suicidal plans to be disrupted by another’s simple act of acknowledgment and caring.

But when a person seems unable to get well, or more tragically, dies by suicide, it doesn’t mean that someone is to blame. This seems obvious, but the parent, loved one or friend of a person who dies by suicide always wonders if they could have done something differently. It’s even a fleeting thought for parents or loved ones who know on a rational level that they have provided all the support and resources within their grasp. It’s always there; the thought, I could have saved him.

There were many gems of advice provided by the parents my sister, Elin Widdifield, and I interviewed for our Behind the Wall project. These parents have adult children who live with serious mental illness and all of them have genuine fears about their child being at risk for self-harm or behaviors that make them vulnerable.[2] Because death by suicide is common for those who live with serious mental illness, these parents are confronted by its reality. A parent once told us, that if you’ve done the best you can for your child, “You can’t blame yourself for their death or their success. There is only so much control you have.”

In fact, that was one of the most common and best bits of advice. There is only so much control you have. Accepting this fact is healing. A loved one can provide ample support and resources but a person must take the mantle to get better. Or not.

Still, witnessing risky behaviors of a child who has an untreated mental illness is worse than having your heart ripped out through your throat. Many parents share the sentiment that they’d rather feel the pain themselves than watch their child suffer. I can tell my child how to ask for help, and-remember-I-told-you-don’t-do-drugs, but out of my sight, I have no control. A person who has delusional thinking isn’t going to make good choices no matter how much he promised when mentally well, or sober or both. It doesn’t mean we are bad parents, loved ones, or friends.

I told my son that being a good friend or loved one means never giving up. But this does not mean a person has to endure abuse from others (another topic) or take responsibility for another’s actions. I will never give up on the people I love. I learned from my sisters and mentors, there is a solution to every problem and that’s what I tell my own children. And when he encounters the sadness that life brings, he will carry it, and his parents will stand beside him every step of the way.

But what I cannot do is solve his problems. I cannot make bad things go away. It’s simply not possible. Not realistic.

There but for the grace of god go I.


Suicide deaths ARE preventable. Here are online resources for suicide prevention:

http://www.yspp.org

http://www2.aap.org/advocacy/childhealthmonth/prevteensuicide.htm

http://suicideprevention.nv.gov/Youth/WhatYouCanDo/

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention-helping-someone-who-is-suicidal.htm


 

[1] For more information about statistics regarding death by violence and death by suicide, please refer to the website for the Centers for Disease Control (CDC): http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/suicide/statistics

[2] According to United States Department of Health and Human Services, “… people with severe mental illnesses are over 10 times more likely to be victims of violent crime than the general population.” For important information about Mental Health Myths and Facts, see http://www.mentalhealth.gov/basics/myths-facts.

 

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6 Comments on “Understanding the Incomprehensible”

  1. Suicide isn’t too hard to understand. It’s just the conclusion for it is absolutely harrowing. If you’ve never been One of Us (the suicide community), then understanding it is a lot of emotional strain.

    People never choose to live. Life is forced upon us. After a few years people realize that they simply do not want to live. They are not interested in living. They look at the planet, at humanity and are tired and bored of it. We don’t want to live for the same reason you don’t to die. It’s harmful to us.

    Anti-suicide approaches are hostile and dangerous. They encourage stereotyping. They make the suicidal people afraid and prevent honest communication. Read message boards like Sanctioned Suicide. It’s unfiltered and you’ll be shocked to see these people aren’t ‘struggling’ with suicidal thoughts. They’re fine with it. It’s life they don’t want.

    We must accept suicide and make it available for those who wishes. We must not prevent people to do what they want with their bodies. We cannot raise our children with ‘the world doesn’t owe you anything, you must work’ and then expect them to stay alive for us. We cannot force a life upon a person, and then expect them to love it.

    It’s actually rational to commit suicide at ages 12-18. These are very boring ages and school is really just confinement. I’m 5 years after school and although things got much better, I still wish I was dead. I want to be dead for the same reason homosexuals want to be with males and not females. It’s better for me.

    Only when we accept suicide, and understand suicidal people really want to die we can communicate with them. Until then, they will tell us what they want to hear. Back home, on Sanctioned Suicide or another message boards they’ll gain genuine support.

    Like

  2. mary sherman says:

    A very poignant and beautifully written piece that should be read by everyone. Such an important contribution to all of us living in this complex world. Thank you, Mary and thank you, Elin. This is very important work for it touches all of us, in one way or another, and it’s important to have the conversation.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mary says:

      Thank you for your very kind comments. And yes, sadly, this does touch us all. But we believe open dialogue can shed light and be supportive to others.
      Thank you for your support.
      – Mary

      Like

  3. judyabl says:

    Sensitive, thoughtful commentary on a very sad reality. Indeed, the work with this child’s classmates is very important!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mary says:

      We are very fortunate to have had a principal who is very connected and compassionate, even though he was new to that school.

      Thank you for your support!
      Mary

      Like


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